40 Things that Hurt Too Much to Remember

Yes, writing this hurts. But the thought of one day losing the acuity of these memories hurts more.

1. Lizzy, only a few months old, bathed in sunlight. She’s naked except for a diaper. We have just woken up. Smiling, she talks to me, and I talk to her. I take a video.
2. Lizzy, only a few months old, in my arms as I dance, swirling in circles, singing to her “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you.” Next, I sing the K-Ci and JoJo song: “All my life, I’ve dreamed of someone like you/ And I thank God that I finally found you.” Lizzy gurgles, both of us captivated by joy.
3. Lizzy, at her first birthday party, delighted that she can make everyone around her clap every time she claps.
4. Lizzy, at Old Navy, playing hide and seek with me. She runs to the same location to hide, over and over, and laughs hysterically, mischievously, every time I find her. She can’t wait to be picked up and tickled.
5. Lizzy, taking my head between her pudgy little hands for the first time and kissing me on the lips.
6. Lizzy, running full tilt into the ocean, again and again, not understanding that its dangerous, not understanding why we keep picking her up and bringing her back to the beach. She is fearless.
7. Lizzy, going up to the goats at my mom’s farm and kissing them on the nose.
8. Lizzy, helping me weed the garden beds.
9. Lizzy kissing every animal she encounters.
10. The first time I teach her the words “nose,” “mouth,” and “eye.”
11. The first time she learns how to hold hands. She somehow understands that anytime we’re in the parking lot, we must hold hands.
12. Lizzy, running around a lavender farm, exploring. Lizzy picking lavender. Lizzy chewing the end of a lavender strand like a little hayseed.
13. Lizzy in her kiddie pool, her t-shirt and hat soaked, playing with her Play Mobile farm set.
14. Lizzy asking for “ups!” as her uncles tirelessly swing her up above their heads and back down, again and again.
15. Lizzy, holding a soccer ball above her head to throw, then accidentally dropping it behind her. Lizzy picking it up because she doesn’t understand embarrassment or doing something incorrectly; she just does it again and again until she does it the way she wants to. Lizzy throwing the soccer ball and saying, “Fi-ur!”
16. Lizzy asking to watch Moana by saying “Te-Fi-ti?”
17. Lizzy seeing a billboard for Disney World at Costco and crying, “Mick-ey!”
18. Lizzy’s hysterical laughter every time I read The Gunniwolf, her favorite book.
19. Lizzy, every time we read The Runaway Bunny, flipping the book forward or back to stay on the page where the baby bunny is a sailboat and the mama bunny is the wind.
20. Lizzy, sitting at her desk in a pile of sunlight, coloring with highlighters.
21. Lizzy, driving her play pink stroller around the yard, collecting daffodils.
22. Lizzy, stealing her aunt’s engraved Yeti water bottle over and over, until I get her a smaller one that matches exactly, engraved with “Lizzy Lou.” Lizzy still prefers her aunt’s Yeti over her own.
23. Lizzy in her aunt’s arms as I come into the room, saying to me with guileless enjoyment, “coff-ee,” as her aunt guiltily admits that she has learned a new word.
24. Lizzy, her little hands covered in potting soil, as she helps me pot plants for our room.
25. Lizzy, meticulously unloading every piece of clothing she owns from her drawers and laying it on her bed.
26. Lizzy, sitting in my lap as I attempt to do the pregnancy stretches outlined in the Spinning Babies video.
27. Lizzy, draping all of her baby blankets and the blankets from our bed over me as I lay down in the side-lying position at the end of the video.
28. Lizzy pointing to the ultrasound photos of Cecilia over her changing table as I change her diaper. Lizzy saying “sis-ter!”
29. Lizzy saying “Grand-pa!” and “I love you!” every time I’m on the phone with my dad.
30. Lizzy, sitting on my desk next to me as I work on my computer, unloading and loading all of the paper clips from their plastic container.
31. Lizzy, asking to “brush teeth?” every time we go into the bathroom.
32. Lizzy, giggling, play-fighting and play-kicking me away as I tried to zip her into her footie pajamas.
33. Lizzy, rolling off the bed to replace whatever book we’ve just finished, grabbing another one, and climbing back into the bed, into my arms, to read it.
34. Lizzy, taking either the dustpan and brush or the broom (whichever I’m not using) and following me around to help me sweep and clean the floor.
35. Lizzy, throwing away the contents of the dustpan.
36. Lizzy, in her Winnie-the-Pooh nightgown, following me into the bathroom in the middle of the night, rubbing her eyes, just wanting to sit on my lap while I pee.
37. Lizzy in my arms, falling asleep with her head on my shoulder as I walk up and down our room.
38. Lizzy, rolling around on the floor with her cousin, determined to play the rolling game the right way.
39. Lizzy at her second birthday party, hand in hand with two of her friends, playing Ring-Around-the-Rosie.
40. Lizzy, laying on our bed, watching Winnie-the-Pooh, pointing out “Pooh-Bear!” Pooh-Bear and Christopher Robin are singing a song called “Forever.” “Forever?” Lizzy asks me. “Forever and ever,” I answer.