As the nightmare of Lizzy’s death unfolded before me at Children’s Hospital, it was like I was watching myself from the outside in. And perhaps the most perverse part of it was that after the initial shock and denial, I began to expect the bad news that just kept coming. Every time a new doctor…
I want to go back. Not just to before Lizzy died. To before she was born. I want to do it again, to change the outcome if I can, and if not, to at least make sure that I treasured every single second of her life. To make sure that no time with her was…
I do not dream about Lizzy. Correction: I have had one dream about Lizzy. She was alive, in my arms, the Monday before the Tuesday morning that I took her into the emergency room. Lizzy, me, and my dead, beloved grandfather (he was alive in my dream), had just gotten off of a plane and…
Yes, writing this hurts. But the thought of one day losing the acuity of these memories hurts more. Lizzy, only a few months old, bathed in sunlight. She’s naked except for a diaper. We have just woken up. Smiling, she talks to me, and I talk to her. I take a video. Lizzy, only a…
Cecilia has started talking to me. She is almost six weeks old, but she started chatting with me about a week ago. Newborns have this state termed “active alert” in which they are calm, quiet, and during which learning is at a peak. They spend this time looking at anything and everything around them, moving…
I loathe this term “the new normal.” The new normal is what I am supposed to be getting used to. Slowly, with time, I am supposed to become accustomed to Lizzy being gone. To the profile and prospect of what my life looks like without her. Five minutes from now, five hours from now, five…
Every time I wake up, Lizzy is still dead. Every time I wake up, I cannot return to what my life was like when she was still alive. No dream or nightmare that I have had since she died is worse than the nightmare that I wake up to every day. The world is filled…
Throughout those dark, horrible hospital days while I was watching my daughter’s life slip away, I had one song stuck in my head, playing on repeat. That song was “By My Side” from the musical, Godspell. But I only had one part of the refrain playing over and over again. The lyrics to the part…
I could not write a post yesterday. In fact, I could not write, read, think, or do much of anything other than stare numbly at the ceiling or sob hysterically. This is because I received a call yesterday that devastated my day. Around noon, I picked up a local number that I thought might be…
be this miserable? spend the rest of your life mourning her? stop living? I hate this question, and I hate its implications. It’s underthought. No, I don’t think Lizzy would want any of those things. I think that if it’s about what Lizzy would have wanted, then she would have wanted to stay with me…