When I ask myself what do I want from Lizzy, the answer is her loving presence. When I ask myself what do I want for Lizzy, the answer is unlimited joy, peace, love, fulfillment, and relationship. The logical next step is to try to discover how to achieve these things in this world, on this…
In her short life, I took my Lizzy to the zoo three times. The first time, she was no more than 3 months old and spent most of the time napping against my chest in her Boba wrap. The second time, she was 6 months old, and the amount that she was able to engage…
When I talk about wanting to die with Lizzy or to be committed to a mental health institution for the rest of my life, I believe these are appropriate responses to her death. When I say “appropriate,” I both shock and scare the people around me, who then wonder if I am spiraling out of…
When they told me that Lizzy was brain dead and there was no hope of her coming back, there were still things that I needed to do as her mother, and that I felt she still needed from me. I needed to lie down and hold her while the switched off the life support machine….
How Grief is Like Labor: You are repeatedly caught up in swells that you cannot control, stop, or get out of. The pain overtakes your brain and body and all you can do is just feel it until it stops. You have no choice but to go through it. There is no way out but…
The sun was a brilliant orange disc, shooting streaks of pink and gold across a sky in which clouds were just an afterthought. The light danced and sparkled, skipping across the glistening waves, as the jet ski spun through the warm water, leaving a trail of white foam behind us. I wrapped my arms tighter…
Lizzy will never break a bone, pull a muscle, or throw out her back. Lizzy will never have a best friend betray her. Lizzy will never slam the door in my face and say, “I hate you, Mom!” Lizzy will never smoke cigarettes, try drugs, or become an alcoholic. Lizzy will never have her heart…
When I was in grade school, there was a hymn that we would sing at mass called “Morning has Broken.” The lyrics go something like this: “Morning has broken like the first morningBlackbird has spoken like the first birdPraise for the singingPraise for the morningPraise for them springing fresh from the world Sweet the rain’s…
I gave birth to Cecilia Amaris Brighde at 2:42 am on May 5, 2019, and her birth was a pretty effective anesthetic for Lizzy’s death. For about a day. Cecilia’s birthday was a day of grace and light and even some joy for me. It was also a day during which I felt that Lizzy…
Since my two-year old daughter, Lizzy, died nearly a month ago, I have felt as though I am nothing more than a flayed, inhuman remnant of what and who I was before. I no longer know myself, nor do I know or have conviction in anything that I did before her death. I feel I…