When I was in college, I simply couldn’t understand why atheists got out of bed in the morning. What was worth living for? What was worth dying for? What mattered beyond material satiety? And if you believe that we were made from nothing and destined for nothing, then why didn’t you just kill yourself to…
It has been some weeks since I’ve cried. Now, it is true that I broke down when trying to clean and install Lizzy’s bike seat for Cecilia. It is true, too, that I have become seasoned at swallowing my tears and stifling the sobs that swell up from inside of me with piercing regularity. But…
A strange peace has begun to pervade these past weeks. Grief for Lizzy is still omnipresent; all that needs to happen is a glance towards my shelf where I keep Lizzy’s things or a specific expression crosses Cecilia’s face, and the loss of Lizzy is renewed, fresh and abundant. I feel certain now that there…
The thudding, heavy pound of rainfall just woke me from napping with Cece. The first memory that came to me was laying in this same bed, under this same skylight, with Lizzy breathing deeply in her sleep, her little body curled in total trust against mine. Then it was Lizzy; now it is Cece, and…
My parents liked to say that I was born carrying the weight of the world. They pointed and clucked their tongues at my shaded eyes and furrowed brow, worrying that it was not normal for a toddler to examine the eyes of each person she came across as though she was searching for possible betrayal….
As parents, we all like to believe that we don’t play favorites or occasionally misread our children or once in a while get too occupied with our own priorities and accidentally ignore something momentous to our children. We’d feel better about ourselves at night if we could manage to convince ourselves during the day that…
Every day, as I walk Cecilia down for her naps in her stroller, I walk past endless baked and desiccated carcasses of earthworms. They die while trying to cross the hot, dry concrete of the sidewalks and then their flesh is washed away in the next rainfall or carried off by the industry of ants….
This past Mother’s Day, I decided to visit Lizzy’s grave for the first time. Last Mother’s day, Cecilia was only a week old and grief over Lizzy had returned full force, so it was a fairly miserable day. I’m not sure what I thought or expected this Mother’s Day to be like. What I know…
I’m reading a book about trauma and PTSD right now, and it explains why trauma causes the brain to have flashbacks with intense sensory moments rather than any linear or chronological accounting of the traumatic incident. The book is fascinating and it is helpful to look at my brain through the lens of science to…
Today, I took Cecilia to resolve her tip and tongue ties with laser surgery. I sat there, restraining her little hands as her frenulum was literally burned away, freeing her lip from her gums. Cecilia screamed in pain and fear, not understanding what was happening to her as the pediatric dentist wiped away the blood…