In the early days of my grief, back before Cecilia’s diagnosis–before I even knew she was blind–I texted my big sister that even though Cecilia wasn’t Lizzy, she was still a world unto herself, still worth dedicating my whole life and being to. It was an important emotional milestone for me and one that has…
In January of 2019, I lay prostrate in a dimmed radiology room with Lizzy perched like a parrot in the crook of my arm. Her fingers curiously followed the mysterious path of the doppler as the rhythm of Cecilia’s uterine heartbeat filled the room. “Yep, it’s a girl,” said the radiologist, showing us the dual…
My parents liked to say that I was born carrying the weight of the world. They pointed and clucked their tongues at my shaded eyes and furrowed brow, worrying that it was not normal for a toddler to examine the eyes of each person she came across as though she was searching for possible betrayal….
As parents, we all like to believe that we don’t play favorites or occasionally misread our children or once in a while get too occupied with our own priorities and accidentally ignore something momentous to our children. We’d feel better about ourselves at night if we could manage to convince ourselves during the day that…
This past Mother’s Day, I decided to visit Lizzy’s grave for the first time. Last Mother’s day, Cecilia was only a week old and grief over Lizzy had returned full force, so it was a fairly miserable day. I’m not sure what I thought or expected this Mother’s Day to be like. What I know…
Today, I took Cecilia to resolve her tip and tongue ties with laser surgery. I sat there, restraining her little hands as her frenulum was literally burned away, freeing her lip from her gums. Cecilia screamed in pain and fear, not understanding what was happening to her as the pediatric dentist wiped away the blood…
May is almost here and the days are passing too quickly. There is too much to do, to learn and to accomplish, for both Lizzy and Cecilia. I will never know enough to be the kind of mother they deserve. And I will never know enough to protect Cecilia from death. Every day that passes…
Holy Saturday has traditionally been a very quiet day for me. Quiet, contemplative, and waiting. This morning, I woke up thinking about Our Lady cleaning the wounds of Christ and preparing his body for burial, and I wondered if this act helped her to cope with the reality of his death. I then thought about…
It is hard for me to admit that I don’t know where to draw the line between grief over losing Lizzy and grief over losing the life I thought I was going to have. It seems beyond contemptible to be thinking about yourself, your feelings and expectations, your understanding of who you are and who…
Mightier than Este is Nienna, sister of the Feanturi; she dwells alone. She is acquainted with grief, and mourns for every wound that Arda has suffered in the marring of Melkor. So great was her sorrow, as the Music unfolded, that her song turned to lamentation long before its end, and the sound of mourning…