Death reminds us that we are children. For those of us who live into old age, death returns us to a state of frailty and dependence. For anyone who believes in God, this would seem to be perfectly intentional. We enter this world utterly dependent, and we leave this world critically aware of exactly how…
August 6, 2018, Georgetown, South Carolina A 17-month-old Lizzy tromped fearlessly through the shallows of the deserted island in the opposite direction of our companions on the shelling tour. Still smiling from the cresting waves of the boat trip, Lizzy picked up one tiny, pink-flip-flop-clad foot after another, splashing merrily. The sun twinkled rainbows across…
Dear Lizzy, It has taken me several weeks to work up the courage to write this letter, and it has proved even harder than I feared. I have been comparing Cecilia with you since she was born and even more so upon learning of her diagnosis. I have been trying to replicate experiences which you…
If you can’t fly, then run; if you can’t run, then walk; if you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward. – Martin Luther King, Jr. July 2013: Sweat beads on my brow, dripping to pool above my lips, gathering in droplets on my nose. My breathing grows…
We tell ourselves stories in order to live. – Joan Didion The night felt full and ripe with promise. I gazed around the nursery, softly illuminated by a conch shell lit from inside like the ocean home of some watery sprite. The crib loomed silently to my left, its Beatrix Potter linens tucked away in…
Hopsewee Plantation, Georgetown, SC, August 2018 The docent ushered us up the grand staircase of the old plantation house to the second floor. Lizzy wriggled and twisted in my arms, straining her neck to catch a view down the stairwell. I bounced and jiggled her through the description of the upstairs bedrooms, whispering occasional acknowledgements…
I’m five years old, and the noon sun sets my skin to prickling as I kneel in the red soil of the strawberry fields of Larriland Farm in Woodbine, MD. My sisters and my mother crouch nearby, busily filling their baskets as telltale streaks of juice dry on their chins. I lean forward to uncover…
I just thought of one thing that’s permanent. Love. – Olaf, Frozen 2 September 29, 2020 Cecilia lay fitfully beside me, fading in and out of sleep. Again and again, she veered towards consciousness, crying briefly and bumping her head against the headboard, unable to settle and unable to sleep. I murmured meaningless noises, trying…
In January of 2019, I lay prostrate in a dimmed radiology room with Lizzy perched like a parrot in the crook of my arm. Her fingers curiously followed the mysterious path of the doppler as the rhythm of Cecilia’s uterine heartbeat filled the room. “Yep, it’s a girl,” said the radiologist, showing us the dual…
The thudding, heavy pound of rainfall just woke me from napping with Cece. The first memory that came to me was laying in this same bed, under this same skylight, with Lizzy breathing deeply in her sleep, her little body curled in total trust against mine. Then it was Lizzy; now it is Cece, and…