This past Mother’s Day, I decided to visit Lizzy’s grave for the first time. Last Mother’s day, Cecilia was only a week old and grief over Lizzy had returned full force, so it was a fairly miserable day. I’m not sure what I thought or expected this Mother’s Day to be like. What I know…
I’m reading a book about trauma and PTSD right now, and it explains why trauma causes the brain to have flashbacks with intense sensory moments rather than any linear or chronological accounting of the traumatic incident. The book is fascinating and it is helpful to look at my brain through the lens of science to…
Holy Saturday has traditionally been a very quiet day for me. Quiet, contemplative, and waiting. This morning, I woke up thinking about Our Lady cleaning the wounds of Christ and preparing his body for burial, and I wondered if this act helped her to cope with the reality of his death. I then thought about…
In September of 2018, Lizzy and I traveled to Florida to visit my grandparents for a week. My grandmother took us to the aquarium, where Lizzy pressed eager palms against the endless tanks of native fish, the dim blue light reflecting on her wide, gap-toothed smile. We reached into a shallow, circular tank to pet…
Paranoia is quickly becoming panic as the Coronavirus threat sweeps through the United States. I’m watching it happen with a curious apathy that looks a lot more like exhausted resignation than blind fear. It would be more logical, I suppose, to spend my days and nights in utter terror of losing Cecilia given the fact…
The day before yesterday, Cecilia, my father, and myself spent the day at NIH’s Eye Institute having our worst fears about Cecilia’s lack of vision confirmed. The NIH physician-scientists were very gentle, very kind, and very thorough. After reading through the records from the long string of doctors Cecilia has been to in her very…
It has been more than 5 years since my grandfather passed away, but for some reason this week, I have been unable to stop thinking about him. It began on Thanksgiving Day with a vivid memory of potato gardening with him in the backyard of the house where my mom grew up. With pitchfork in…
A few months after Cece was born, a depression developed in my upper thigh that looked like abnormal muscle or fat loss. My primary care physician referred me to an osteopath who ordered an MRI to rule out soft tissue cancer, which affects 3,000-4,000 people in this country every year. Last night, my big sister…
“I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” Swinging and dancing, a 4-month old Lizzy in my arms, a rush of love swells over me; I hug her tightly to my chest, kiss her sweet face, and whisper fiercely, “I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” Awake in the frozen night, my…
You’re going to wake up from your nap soon so I’m going to hop off but I will write once more before your sister gets here. I think we’re on the right track, Lou. I’m happier, you’re happier. We’re settled, we’re following a routine, we’re fighting for what we believe in. That’s what matters. We’re…