It has been some weeks since I’ve cried. Now, it is true that I broke down when trying to clean and install Lizzy’s bike seat for Cecilia. It is true, too, that I have become seasoned at swallowing my tears and stifling the sobs that swell up from inside of me with piercing regularity. But…
A strange peace has begun to pervade these past weeks. Grief for Lizzy is still omnipresent; all that needs to happen is a glance towards my shelf where I keep Lizzy’s things or a specific expression crosses Cecilia’s face, and the loss of Lizzy is renewed, fresh and abundant. I feel certain now that there…
The thudding, heavy pound of rainfall just woke me from napping with Cece. The first memory that came to me was laying in this same bed, under this same skylight, with Lizzy breathing deeply in her sleep, her little body curled in total trust against mine. Then it was Lizzy; now it is Cece, and…
My parents liked to say that I was born carrying the weight of the world. They pointed and clucked their tongues at my shaded eyes and furrowed brow, worrying that it was not normal for a toddler to examine the eyes of each person she came across as though she was searching for possible betrayal….
As parents, we all like to believe that we don’t play favorites or occasionally misread our children or once in a while get too occupied with our own priorities and accidentally ignore something momentous to our children. We’d feel better about ourselves at night if we could manage to convince ourselves during the day that…
This past Mother’s Day, I decided to visit Lizzy’s grave for the first time. Last Mother’s day, Cecilia was only a week old and grief over Lizzy had returned full force, so it was a fairly miserable day. I’m not sure what I thought or expected this Mother’s Day to be like. What I know…
I’m reading a book about trauma and PTSD right now, and it explains why trauma causes the brain to have flashbacks with intense sensory moments rather than any linear or chronological accounting of the traumatic incident. The book is fascinating and it is helpful to look at my brain through the lens of science to…
May is almost here and the days are passing too quickly. There is too much to do, to learn and to accomplish, for both Lizzy and Cecilia. I will never know enough to be the kind of mother they deserve. And I will never know enough to protect Cecilia from death. Every day that passes…
Happy Easter, everyone. Exactly a year ago today was Lizzy’s funeral. This is also my 100th post, and I have decided to finally make this blog public in the hopes that it can help someone else who is either grieving a child or even just asking the hard questions in the midst of this Coronavirus…
Holy Saturday has traditionally been a very quiet day for me. Quiet, contemplative, and waiting. This morning, I woke up thinking about Our Lady cleaning the wounds of Christ and preparing his body for burial, and I wondered if this act helped her to cope with the reality of his death. I then thought about…