It is seared into my memory–that last night at home with Lizzy–that blue and broken morning when we went to the ER, and those terrible, endless days that followed. I can tell you every detail, down to the smell of the hospital, the expressions on the faces of the doctors, the cadence of their voices…
Yesterday was ten months to the day since Lizzy died. This means that for approximately 300 days, I have cried every day. The early days spent themselves in oceans of tears, inexhaustible and draining. Then, like a criminal, I began to hide my tears from those who already felt so helpless to soothe them. Eventually,…
When I walked out of Children’s Hospital the day we turned off Lizzy’s life support machine, I said to my little sister, “I never want to see this place again.” Then Cecilia moved inside of me. I paused, then qualified my statement: “Unless, of course, Cecilia ever needed it.” Two weeks ago, I found myself…
Meditation: Jesus will return to the world on Judgement Day. When you are inside of time, and–more deeply–when time is your master, it becomes increasingly more difficult to conceive a state of being that is timeless. Death takes us outside of time. Heaven is timeless. So too, will the world become timeless at the end…
The rain, cold and crawling, drizzles in pit pats against the flagstone. The porch lights shimmer and reflect, casting shadows into the deep recesses of the giant pines. I walk slowly up and down the front path, Cecilia crying fitfully in my arms. Walking outside in the rain is a last resort in an attempt…
Meditation: Jesus comes into the world to die for the world. We are born to suffer and die. This is the problem that walks with me, dogging my every step. Memories of Lizzy dance with tiptoes, glinting like fairy lights around every corner, and yet the problem of human pain and death thuds dully behind…
Meditation: Jesus arrives in the hearts of believers. This past weekend, I visited the Saint John Paul II Shrine in DC, followed by vigil mass at the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. While Cecilia was asleep in her stroller, I cried my way through most of the exhibit on JPII the Great, a saint…
It has been more than 5 years since my grandfather passed away, but for some reason this week, I have been unable to stop thinking about him. It began on Thanksgiving Day with a vivid memory of potato gardening with him in the backyard of the house where my mom grew up. With pitchfork in…
Meditation: Jesus enters the world as a helpless infant in Bethlehem. Lizzy was born on March 20, 2017, and Cecilia was born on May 5, 2019, so there is only a 1.5 month lapse between them. This means that I was significantly pregnant with both of them throughout two winters, two Advents, and two Christmases….
I do not have a monopoly on grief, nor on pain, nor on suffering. When Lizzy died, I joined the ranks of untold billions of mothers from the origin of the human species who have watched their children die, and watching, wished to die themselves. When I speak of Lizzy’s death as the worst thing…