It has been more than 5 years since my grandfather passed away, but for some reason this week, I have been unable to stop thinking about him. It began on Thanksgiving Day with a vivid memory of potato gardening with him in the backyard of the house where my mom grew up. With pitchfork in…
Meditation: Jesus enters the world as a helpless infant in Bethlehem. Lizzy was born on March 20, 2017, and Cecilia was born on May 5, 2019, so there is only a 1.5 month lapse between them. This means that I was significantly pregnant with both of them throughout two winters, two Advents, and two Christmases….
I do not have a monopoly on grief, nor on pain, nor on suffering. When Lizzy died, I joined the ranks of untold billions of mothers from the origin of the human species who have watched their children die, and watching, wished to die themselves. When I speak of Lizzy’s death as the worst thing…
There is a mama doe and her two fawns that live outside of my sister’s house. I see them almost every day, when driving home from an appointment, when leaving to go on a walk, when taking a piece of mail to the mailbox in the evening, or when stepping outside in the morning sunshine…
“Take this sinking boat and point it homeWe’ve still got timeRaise your hopeful voice, you have a choiceYou’ll make it now Falling slowly, eyes that know meAnd I can’t go backAnd moods that take me and erase meAnd I’m painted blackWell, you have suffered enoughAnd warred with yourselfIt’s time that you won.” – “Falling Slowly”…
Elizabeth Aviva Fiada was born into this life on the first day of spring, 2017. She was beautifully and fittingly given the middle name Aviva, or springtime, in Hebrew. Later on that spring, on the 22nd of April, she was born into the divine life of grace at her baptism. In the springtime of 2019…
Of all things that a two-year old is, silent is not one of them. After Lizzy died, I could not fathom the silence. It was ringing, deafening, inescapable. I could not understand what our lives were composed of without Lizzy chattering away, getting into everything, and busily exploring her world. What was life without this…
Attending weekly mass has been a struggle for me since I lost Lizzy. This is not because I am losing my faith or angry at God. For whatever reason, that has not been my experience. I do not believe that God is responsible for Lizzy’s death; I believe that we live in a fallen world…
In December of 2018, I separated from my husband and Lizzy and I moved in with my older sister. As a welcome-home gift, she gave me a white pot with the word “Hope” in black letting across the front. She said she thought it was an appropriate sentiment for what I was going through. I…
For the past five months, I have been having this recurring dream, or, rather, I’ve been dreaming a scene in a dream that is recurring, although I arrive there from different dreams on different nights. It is twilight, somewhere between sunset and dusk, and there is a glassy body of water in front of me,…