For the newly postpartum mother, the exact tone, pitch, and key of her newborn infant’s cry can trigger panic, milk, and tears simultaneously. This is not coincidence. This is not emotionalism. There is nothing in the world like the cry of a newborn mammal, and there is no one in the world more equipped to…
We tell ourselves stories in order to live. – Joan Didion The night felt full and ripe with promise. I gazed around the nursery, softly illuminated by a conch shell lit from inside like the ocean home of some watery sprite. The crib loomed silently to my left, its Beatrix Potter linens tucked away in…
I have been a mother for four years, but I have never mothered a child past the age of two. I don’t know how a three-year-old thinks, looks, or acts. For eternity, Lizzy will be frozen at the age of two. For two years, I have been trying to just get back to the two-year…
For the first time since Lizzy died, it feels like time is moving too fast. Once, I imagined that next two years would be an excruciating turtle-crawl towards the two-year-old finish line. Instead, I find myself so busy that the days are blurring together in an endless continuum of whatever I can get done and…
Look at where you areLook at where you startedThe fact that you’re alive is a miracleJust stay alive, that would be enough – “That Would Be Enough”, Hamilton Scarcely a month after Cecilia was born, I texted my big sister that just because Cece isn’t Lizzy doesn’t mean that she’s any less worth dedicating my…
It is useless to say pain is like a shadow even though pain has become as constant and understated a presence as my shadow. It is pointless to utter that grief is like an amputation even though living without Lizzy is like living without an arm or leg; I have had to learn how to…
February 7, 2021 Dear Lizzy, It’s been snowing a lot this winter. This morning, Cece and I awoke to the hushed weight of snow blanketing the skylight above our bed. I opened the window blinds and the trees were dusted in snow everywhere you looked. There’s nothing like the feeling in your throat and your…
“We have always feared Elsa’s powers were too much for this world; now, we must pray they are enough.” – Grandfather Pabbie, Frozen 2 When I was a little girl, my father used to read me to sleep. Sometimes, I can still hear his voice, still feel his arms enfolding me while I sat on his lap, the book…
Hopsewee Plantation, Georgetown, SC, August 2018 The docent ushered us up the grand staircase of the old plantation house to the second floor. Lizzy wriggled and twisted in my arms, straining her neck to catch a view down the stairwell. I bounced and jiggled her through the description of the upstairs bedrooms, whispering occasional acknowledgements…
Two days before Lizzy got sick, I took her to daily mass at the Basilica of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton in Emmitsburg, MD. During mass, Lizzy fell asleep in my arms. I stood in the pews of the beautiful vaulted church, staring at the intricate mosaics and relishing the warmth of the sun filtering in…