There were four major takeaways from my conversation/confession with Father Wyble the day before I went into labor with Cecilia. And I return to these four concepts again and again, as I try to process my grief. The first concept is that the death of Lizzy is my cross, which I will carry for the…
Many times, I have mentioned the priest who has been with me through the death of Lizzy and the birth of Cecilia. He is the priest who came to the hospital to administer Anointing of the Sick to Lizzy and who came to the house five hours after Cecilia was born to baptize her, both…
“I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” Swinging and dancing, a 4-month old Lizzy in my arms, a rush of love swells over me; I hug her tightly to my chest, kiss her sweet face, and whisper fiercely, “I’m never going to let anything happen to you.” Awake in the frozen night, my…
When Lizzy was about five months old, I woke to her sunbathing and cooing in a pool of morning light streaming through our window. It had been our pattern to begin our morning with morning kisses and cuddles, but something about that morning was particularly special; she was so happy, so content to let me…
I keep waiting (despite my better judgment) for it to get easier, but nighttime is still by far the worst. I spin in circles with eyes wide open, laying there and waiting, waiting for my life to get worse, for the new unthinkable to happen: for Cecilia to die. They say the chances of SIDS…
I have long held a theory that love is about presence–and not just any type of presence, specifically physical presence. We live in a society that allows us to substitute physical presence with many types of shortcuts, technological alternatives, or gimmicks, but the reality remains that nothing can substitute true, physical presence. Physical presence is…
The day that we arrived at Children’s Hospital, my younger sister gave me one of the socks that Lizzy had been wearing that morning to hold and stroke since I could no longer touch my baby, who had been surrounded by teams of medical professionals all day. That little sock was what I had of…
In the days before Cecilia was born, I asked my older sister if she thought that Cecilia would bring us pain relief. She said she thought it wouldn’t be much better but it would be better than the abhorrent limbo in which we were all suspended between the death of Lizzy and the birth of…
Fetal microchimerism (FMc) describes the persistence of low numbers of fetal cells in the mother after a pregnancy. A number of recent studies suggests FMc may play a role in the etiology of some autoimmune diseases. Remarkably, FMc has been demonstrated to persist for up to 38 years after pregnancy… – http://www.bloodjournal.org/content/102/10/3465?sso-checked=true Pregnancy, in itself, is…
I do not dream about Lizzy. Correction: I have had one dream about Lizzy. She was alive, in my arms, the Monday before the Tuesday morning that I took her into the emergency room. Lizzy, me, and my dead, beloved grandfather (he was alive in my dream), had just gotten off of a plane and…